The Mystery of Attraction

jl & cher in Marbella, Spain

What's the "falling" when falling in love?

So, somebody walks by that catches your attention. You want to take a second look but you don't want to appear obvious not to mention your wife might kill you. You could be single, married, gay, or divorced, it doesn't matter. We all have what seem to be unexplainable attractions. Some like the legs, some the butt, some the breasts, some like long hair, some like short, some like tall and lean, some short and plump, and some like it all. Some like male, some female. (Since I have several gay friends that are reading my blog, I apologize that this subject is referencing mostly Hetero relationships and seems counter to your story.)

Have you ever wondered about the mystery of attraction? Did you know that no matter how old a man gets, he'll nearly always have an attraction to the younger generation? Very few automobile commercials use women in their 50's or 60's to catch the attention of a male audience. On the other hand, while women grow older, few seek relationships with someone younger. What's that all about? You seldom see a divorced women find and marry a much younger male while on the other side of the divorce, a man will often seek out a younger woman.

I don't claim to completely know the answer to the mystery of attraction. However, I did find some interesting information that may explain part of it. In the book, Getting The Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. gives us three explanations for what it is that attracts us or motivates us to pursue a meaningful and intimate relationship.

Physical Attraction:

1. We instinctively select mates who will enhance the survival of the species.

Men are drawn to classically beautiful women, ones with clear skin, bright eyes, shiny hair, good bone structure, red lips, and rosy cheeks. It's not because of fad or fashion but because these qualities indicate youth and robust health, signs that a woman is in the peak of her childbearing years. It's our bio-instinct. It's that part of a man that often motivates the second look as a younger women walks by.

Women select a mate for slightly different bio-instinctive reasons. Because youth and physical health aren't essential to the male reproductive role, women instinctively favor mates with pronounced alpha qualities, the ability to dominate other males and bring home more than their share of the kill. The assumption is that male dominance ensures the survival of the family group more than youth or beauty. This is why a fifty-year-old chairman of the board is the human equivalent of the silver-backed male gorilla and is as attractive to younger women as a young, handsome, virile, but less successful man might be.

For me, I can't tell you how excited I was when I met Cher and she agreed to that first date. She was the cutest pint-sized visualization of beauty in the world. I couldn't get enough of just looking at her smile and seeing her walk in my direction. My bio-instinct was full steam ahead as I raced for the "pick me, pick me" love depot. We were going to produce beautiful children together, and we did.

Exchange Theory:

2. The basic idea of the exchange theory is that we select mates who are more or less our equals. We want to select our mate just as we would match two companies for a corporate merger. Men and women will size each other up considering physical features, financial status, education, and social rank, as well as various personality traits such as kindness, creativity, and a sense of humor.

This is where we often seek analytical answers to love. We're drawn to a "match." I know for me it had a lot to do with complimentary personalities. I'm loud, she's quite. I'm impulsive, she thinks ahead. I also know that our "same faith" was important. Going to church together was a part of the foundation to our relationship. I also remember making judgments about whether or not I felt I was able to adapt to her family and enjoy their company. If you stop to think about your own attraction to your mate, you'll be amazed at just how much analysis your mind went through.

Persona Theory:

3. The persona theory maintains that an important factor in mate selection is the way a potential suitor enhances our self-esteem. Each of us has a mask, a persona, which is the face that we show to other people. Finding a mate that improves our persona or protects it is the supreme objective. What will it do to my sense of self if I'm seen with this person? If this person is seen as loving me, and you like them, maybe you'll put your faith in their judgment and like me as well.

The Persona Theory is a big part of our attraction criteria if we struggle with low self-esteem. It's been said by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D., that many of us don't fall in love with the other person as much as we fall in love with how they make us feel. There's something to think about. How much of your attraction to your mate is based on whether or not they are meeting your needs and boosting your self-image?

I personally have struggled with this issue from day one of my marriage. In fact, it was made evident when I finally realized why I wanted my wife to attend business or church functions with me. Many times I told her she needed to come to a particular event with me whether she wanted to or not. I needed others to see me with her so I could feel better about me. I figured that if they saw such a gorgeous lady with such a knucklehead man, I'd be less likely to be viewed as a knucklehead. What I eventually came to realize was, people either like me or they don't, no matter what my hood ornamant looks like or the girl on my arm. The knucklehead description was simply my own low self-image issue. And by the way, a beautiful girl on your arm doesn't fix an ugly self-image which is rooted on the inside.

Discussion Questions:

1. What first attracted you to your wife or girlfriend and how did the attraction progress?

2. How do these three theories of attraction play into your experience? List things that you remember brought value to the relationship.


-Physical


-Social


-Persona



3. Review your answers to 1 and 2. What, if any, issues do you see today that reveal shallow reasoning for your criteria for attraction? Where, if any, do you see an imbalance in your motives?



4. Knowing more about yourself today, how would you redefine your criteria for a meaningful, romantic and intimate relationship? What's important now that wasn't seen as important before?

Conclusion:

They say.... "To know me is to love me." That's only partly true. I would add, "To be attracted to me will lead to knowing me. Hopefully I love myself enough to make it easy for you to love me."

Good luck gentlemen