Why Opposites Attract

Getting the Love You Want
In his book, Getting The Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. offers an interesting explanation for why opposites attract. If you like to go to bed early, chances are the other person you’re with likes to stay up late. If you’re out-going, they may be reserved. If you’re a neat-freak, they may be a slob. But, there are also some deeper "opposite issues" that may be a part of a relationship.

Partner may have purpose
Hendrix suggests that God puts people together in an effort to help each other overcome obstacles or heal childhood pain. For example, I have a friend who struggles with rage. He has the sweetest wife. Now, instead of pointing out that her partner is full of rage and can’t seem to "pull it together," she needs to look at him as someone who may need her help to overcome or heal the cause of the rage. Rage is often a coping skill to gain control or power when feeling powerless or victimized.

My friend's rage
My friend struggles with rage more than most. It has isolated him from lots of opportunity in life. His rage has been out of control many times. I found out one day what really was under it all. When my buddy was a kid, his dad was very abusive to him. On one occasion he made his son hold his hands out so he could burn the tips of all his fingers with a cigarette lighter while reminding him to never mess with dad’s tools again. Also, my friend’s grandfather murdered his grandmother. A family of rage-a-holics were his example while growing up. If you can’t trust that your dad will protect you from harm, you’d end up with some rage yourself. A kid that experiences powerlessness to protect himself and is also constantly yelled at, may grow up believing he’s defective.

How his partner can help
Today, when his wife, or even me, says something that triggers his sense of powerlessness, he flips out. Sometimes the slightest comment can be seen as criticism and send him to the moon. If comments about screwing up his business or some project is the topic of conversation, he doesn’t hear it as concern for him. He hears it as "you are defective." Even sarcastic humor can trigger his feelings of defectiveness. I see it in his golf game and have had first hand experience of how he deals with a bad day on the links.

How I can help
What I’ve learned to do is, assure him that I’m never going to intentionally cause him harm. I tell him I don’t believe he wants to have issues with rage and that I understand he’s working on it. I don’t end our relationship just because he gets out of control. Others in his life have. His wife’s best response to him is to look at him as that little boy that was abused and try to reassure him that she’s never going to intentionally harm him. Over time, he’ll begin to hear her words as supportive and not critical. To reinforce to him that she doesn’t see him as "defective" would be very healing. She needs to understand that there’s something under it all and she might be the answer to helping him. If she doesn’t see it that way, there’s a good chance nothing will change and many relationships end over this kind of stress.

Just Because
Just because a partner is quite and the other is a loud mouth, such as the case in my house, doesn’t mean we don’t belong together. Just because one loves classical music and the other loves rock-n-roll doesn’t mean we’re not compatible. What it means is, we need each other because one has something that may be helpful to the other. God’s plan isn’t to make us miserable but rather complimentary. I know, I know. It sucks sometimes but that’s just the way it is.

Conclusion
Screwing up in business doesn’t mean you’re defective, it simply means you’re about as normal as the rest of the business owners out there. Having a bad day on the links doesn’t mean you’re defective, you're just not keeping your head down.

Hebrews 12:12,13
Strengthen the hands that hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for the weak so they can be healed.

It’s our job to help each other. In every relationship, you’re not opposites. You’re healers with different hurts needing to be healed.