Learning to take the Heat.

Ouch! That was hot.

"Don't touch that stove!" Have you ever heard that before? Of course, we've all heard it at some point in our lives. I've got a question for you. How many times have you touched a hot stove before you decided you'll never do that again? I'd say 100% of us will learn that lesson once and never again want to repeat it. There is forever burned into your hard-drive, excuse the pun, a memory of pain that is attached to red hot stove burners.

Pain happens
We all understand physical pain but, what about emotional pain? What about an experience that caused you some sort of agony, heartbreak, or even tears? How soon do we simply forget the loss of a loved one or a diagnosis of a serious illness? Pain increases our memory. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it's not so good. What about the last time you got a traffic ticket or a late fee for missing a payment deadline? That painful memory is good because it will hopefully keep you from speeding and late fees. What about hurtful words with a child of yours, your spouse, or maybe businessiness partner? Those painful memories are not so good because they often keep us from forgiveness. We can find plenty of day-to-day opportunity to experience emotional pain.

Wrongs both Ways
Now, let's look at a "wrong" that's been done to you or that you did to someone else. I have many memories of when I've felt humiliated, rejected, not understood, or ignored. Most of the experiences caused me some degree of emotional pain. What did I do about it? Subconsciously or consciously, I probably determined to never repeat those experiences. I don't know about you but I'm usually prone to minimizing pain and over-dosing on pleasure. I've also been the purveyor of burns on others. Sometimes intentionally, most of the time not.

What do you look like?
So here's where I'm going with all this. I decided one day to begin pondering the thought about the underlying issues that dictate our ability to forgive. I was wondering why some relationship disolve overnight while others rebound from personal offenses. Here's what I dreamed up.

If, in your life, your marriage, your business, or your family, you've caused someone a measure of emotional pain, you might want to consider, as I did a couple of years ago while journaling about this topic, the dynamics of forgiveness. You've hurt someone and now you may be feeling as if you'll never be forgiven. Here's the dynamics from my point of view. To the other person, wife, co-worker, parent, or child, you will never be seen the same. You now look like a hot stove. What? "JL, are you whacked?" No, just follow me for a minute. Causing emotional pain has consciously or sub-consciously become the same as touching a hot stove for that other person. Just walking into the house and standing in front of the person you've hurt causes their brain to directly link their hard-drive to the experience that caused them the pain. They don't ever want to go through that again. It's simply a part of our nature. For most, the response is to back away from the stove. Emotionally, we keep our distance.

What we want
Most of us want forgiveness but few find it easy to impart. All of us want perfection but we're imperfect ourselves. Many want understanding but are unwilling to talk. How do we get over some of the pain in our past? This I believe is where grace and mercy come in. Mercy says, "It could have been me that caused this pain just as easily as it was the other person." Mercy says, "I'm going to understand and be empathetic enough to cut you some slack. I'm going to give you more chances." Grace says, "In spite of the fact that you burned me, I still want to have a stove. I'm not going to throw you out. I'm going to attempt to keep you."

I've never met a person that has thrown their stove out just because it caused them some pain. Instead, they keep on cooking but are more careful. That's the ticket.

There's a Foundation
If you're going to forgive or be forgiven, you must learn that commitment is foundational to the process of keeping the stove. You're still going to have need for owning and using a stove. Why not keep the one you're used to. Too many of us, when it comes to friends, family, or a spouse, want to throw the offending stove out and buy a new one. Guess what - all stoves have the ability to burn you. Replacing a stove doesn't change that. You'll still have to be careful.
You don't want to throw away 25 years of a good marriage just because a spouse has committed an offense. If a friendship you've had your whole life isn't worth a little extra commitment, maybe you're not such a good friend either. If what mom or dad did or didn't do to you while growing up caused you a lot of pain, maybe they don't even realize it. People do what they know and if what they know isn't right, it may not have been just them. It may have simply been what they learned from their parents. People make mistakes. We all have the capability to be stoves that at some point in our lives will burn someone. For some, it may be on purpose but for most of us, it was never intended. This is my opinion concerning forgiveness and my opinion counts because it's my blog.

The Dynamics of Forgiveness
The dynamics of forgiveness are this, we all can be stoves from time to time. Unfortunately, we're going to hurt or be hurt. Stoves are needed if we're going to continue cooking. That's the good side to being a stove. However, sometimes we get burned by accident. It comes with the territory. The following list is a sequence I've come up with concerning dealing with a bad burn.

1. Burns don't equal discarding the stove. We just learn more about commitment and safety.
2. Mercy says, "I'll want forgiveness when it comes my turn to fail so I'm going to try and understand and practice some empathy during your turn."
3. Grace says, "In spite of how much it hurts, I'm willing to keep the stove."
4. Trust says, "I'm going to be more careful with this stove. I'm going to trust that it will still cook a meal but, I'm also keeping a better eye on it."
5. Forgiveness says, "I'm willing to override my tendency to hold a grudge in an effort to keep alive a relationship that has, for the most part, been very meaningful to me. I know I probably won't forget the burns, but I'm choosing to keep the memory from psychosomatically burning me over and over." I'm committed to keeping you and staying emotionally connected as I've always done, even though I'm still feeling the heat and may have a scar.

If any man will come after me, let him deny himself.

Let him take up his cross and follow me.

Matthew 16:24

Keeping our commitment to follow Christ is similar to learning to live with a hot stove. Not that Christ causes us pain but that our relationship with him can bring heat from others. Christ describes our walk with him as one that requires that we daily bear a cross. Our walk with Him is one of self denial, hardship at times, and even pain. Living as a believer can sometimes be lonely, unpopular, and bring rejection. However, we're in it for the long haul. We're in it for the love, grace, and mercy that he shows us. We're in it because ultimately, there's a huge payoff. There will be times when others cause us pain but we're just going to have to understand, it's part of life. We're still going to get up each day, and keep our commitment. He forgave us. We need to forgive others.